Ok, so I got on the Entertainment Weekly email list for their weekly box-office survey. They send out an email on Sunday or Monday, asking for your opinion on any of the week's recent releases. I, of course, got on this list just in time for me to stop going to movies nearly as often as I usually do (we've been KINDA BUSY, you know!?). SO I haven't had many chances to respond to their surveys.
Well, I got one this week asking if I'd seen Troy or any of the other releases and I realized I hadn't gotten their email in a couple of weeks. Which meant that I'd missed my chance to weigh in on the utter wreck that was Van Helsing (a friend of mine described it as "craptastic". I can't think of a better word for it.)
The biggest problem with this disaster is the simple fact that it tries too hard to be a videogame. No big surprise, Sommers & Co. worked hand-in-hand with the development team at Vivendi to make sure the game accurately reflected the world of the movie and that it would be ready to release the same time as the movie.
But what they obviously forgot (or simply were too clueless to realize) is that there's a world of difference between playing a videogame and watching a movie… that what works—and can be, arguably, compelling—in a videogame just ends up bloated and boring in a movie. Case in point— the overly-long, pointless scene in Budapest of Van Helsing repeatedly shooting ridiculous numbers of crossbow bolts at a trio of vampire… and apparently missing a lot. (The reverse is, of course, true as well… extended dialogue scenes in a videogame get tedious really quickly.) The Budapest scene is probably the worst example of this, but there are many other obvious videogame moments sprinkled liberally throughout the movie.
Then there are the ridiculous accents. EW gave Kate Beckinsale a dishonorable mention in their review, mainly for the ridiculous "Transylvanian horses are even faster than verevolves" line, but I actually burst out laughing the first time Dracula opened his mouth. He sounded like he was doing an SNL take on a Dracula accent.
And, while I'm on the topic of Dracula, what the hell was up with his character? Someone decided they needed a kinder, gentler Dracula? He's all upset and whiny because he can't feel anything and all he cares about is making sure his progeny survive? Dracula whines? COME ON! (I mean, I thought he didn't do whine. Okay, I couldn't resist). But really, this was the most pathetic Dracula I think I've ever seen.
Of course, this piece of crap did a whopping $54 million it's opening weekend, so we can officially accept that the summer movie season is off to a "great" start. If this is any indication (and the mixed reviews of Troy imply it might be) then this is going to be one long, ugly summer at the movies.
Maybe I'll try and do something novel this year and avoid all the crap movies. Sure, it means I won't be going to many movies, but hey, I've got tons of stuff I need to be doing anyway!
Well, I got one this week asking if I'd seen Troy or any of the other releases and I realized I hadn't gotten their email in a couple of weeks. Which meant that I'd missed my chance to weigh in on the utter wreck that was Van Helsing (a friend of mine described it as "craptastic". I can't think of a better word for it.)
The biggest problem with this disaster is the simple fact that it tries too hard to be a videogame. No big surprise, Sommers & Co. worked hand-in-hand with the development team at Vivendi to make sure the game accurately reflected the world of the movie and that it would be ready to release the same time as the movie.
But what they obviously forgot (or simply were too clueless to realize) is that there's a world of difference between playing a videogame and watching a movie… that what works—and can be, arguably, compelling—in a videogame just ends up bloated and boring in a movie. Case in point— the overly-long, pointless scene in Budapest of Van Helsing repeatedly shooting ridiculous numbers of crossbow bolts at a trio of vampire… and apparently missing a lot. (The reverse is, of course, true as well… extended dialogue scenes in a videogame get tedious really quickly.) The Budapest scene is probably the worst example of this, but there are many other obvious videogame moments sprinkled liberally throughout the movie.
Then there are the ridiculous accents. EW gave Kate Beckinsale a dishonorable mention in their review, mainly for the ridiculous "Transylvanian horses are even faster than verevolves" line, but I actually burst out laughing the first time Dracula opened his mouth. He sounded like he was doing an SNL take on a Dracula accent.
And, while I'm on the topic of Dracula, what the hell was up with his character? Someone decided they needed a kinder, gentler Dracula? He's all upset and whiny because he can't feel anything and all he cares about is making sure his progeny survive? Dracula whines? COME ON! (I mean, I thought he didn't do whine. Okay, I couldn't resist). But really, this was the most pathetic Dracula I think I've ever seen.
Of course, this piece of crap did a whopping $54 million it's opening weekend, so we can officially accept that the summer movie season is off to a "great" start. If this is any indication (and the mixed reviews of Troy imply it might be) then this is going to be one long, ugly summer at the movies.
Maybe I'll try and do something novel this year and avoid all the crap movies. Sure, it means I won't be going to many movies, but hey, I've got tons of stuff I need to be doing anyway!
Comments