So some
disclaimers up front... I don't have the "so
bad it's good" gene. I don't enjoy stupid comedy. And I'm convinced
that culturally, we've lost any concept of what comedy really is.
I say all
this because I just finished watching VampyrZ
on a Boat and my initial reaction to this is simply WHAT THE FUCK?!?
This was one of the worst movies I've ever seen, ranking even higher on my
"absolute crap" meter than the former leader of that list, Mad
Dog Time.
I was so
baffled by this film I felt the need to search for reviews to see what kind of
response it generated. And to my surprise, I found this
review, from Film Threat, that is amazingly positive! Lines like "Helping
matters along, in this case, is the amusing dialogue... like a fantastic
ongoing gag about the differences between a ship versus a boat." left
me completely baffled.
Amusing???
The ship vs boat gag might be mildly amusing the first time you hear it. But as
a running gag, it's not remotely funny. There's also a "running gag"
with a ventriloquist. Now, I could be wrong here (though I doubt it) but when
was the last time anyone found ventriloquism entertaining? Trust me, this guy
doesn't do it any favors.
And then
there's the "romantic heart" of the movie... a heart that felt so
forced and faked that I'm staggered by the review's comment that "their
chemistry and intensely felt love, which audiences buy from the jump, sell the
narrative and keep it engaging for all." Um, no. (It's not helped by
the age difference between their two leads and the complete lack of any kind of
chemistry between them.)
There are
scenes that simply seem inserted into the film with no consideration of how
they could, or should, tie into the story. There's an ongoing set of scenes
with the Captain reading off quotes over the ships intercom that (I assume?)
are supposed to reflect on the ongoing action. There's a tag at the end that,
again I assume, is intended to deliver some background/history of the main
character so we understand how he manages to survive the vampires. And there's
a time loop component that simply exists, with no explanation, nor reason,
beyond drawing out the movie since without it there's not enough story to fill
a sitcom.
Amazingly,
unwatchably bad. Avoid it like the plague.
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