Maybe overselling that one but, despite the only relatively average (though still decidedly rotten) score on Rotten Tomatoes (I've seen many better movies get less than the current 41%), Rock of Ages gets my vote. But why, you may ask? Allow me to elucidate...
First and foremost, the choreography. Which was, simply, staggeringly bad. Shockingly bad. So bad that when Catherine Zeta-Jones and the church ladies kicked off "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", I literally jerked back in my seat. (And yes, I literally mean literally.) So bad, I swore to myself I'd look up the choreographer so I'd know to avoid anything they do in the future, though it looks like I won't have to worry too much there, since the director (Adam Shankman) is listed as one of the choreographers (and now I know better then to ever see anything he's directed again) while the other choreographer is busy with seasons of So You Think You Can Dance, so I don't think I'll have much trouble avoiding either.
Next up was Alec Baldwin & Russel Brand's "relationship". When the music kicked in for their love ballad, I honestly thought it had to be a joke. Here's a clue to bad directors everywhere... if you're going to have 2 characters that have had no romantic connection at any previous moment in the film suddenly declare their love for one another, it helps if there's SOME semblance of chemistry between the two actors. You know... some sense that they might actually recognize one another if they saw each other across a crowded bar, or in any way could possibly share a physical connection of any sort. Baldwin and Brand displayed none of that, even during their love song, so the scene played out as arbitrarily as it sounds.
Speaking of chemistry, perhaps I shouldn't lay too much of the blame on Baldwin and Brand for their relationship, since none of the leads displayed more than an arbitrary connection either... whether it's Tom Cruise and Malin Ackerman in their awkward tongue-fests, or the two ingenues, who worked so hard to counter the fact that they had no connection whatsoever. (And what the hell was UP with those tongue-lashings? Was that supposed to be funny/sexy? 'Cause it failed on both counts and just looked awkward and kind of disturbing.)
And finally, the overall tone of the film. I've never seen the stage version, but I can see how Rock of Ages could be an entertaining night at the theater. There's a different type of suspension of disbelief required for stage then there is in movies, which are, after all, all about making things as real as they can possibly be. So when your corn-fed Midwesterner bursts into song in the middle of her cross-country bus ride, and the rest of the passengers join in, it's a moment you can embrace in a theater. That same thing happens in the first 30 seconds of your movie experience, it's almost impossible to stifle the laughter. Rock is filled with so many of these punishingly old-school "naive girl lost in the big, bad city" clichés that you know damn well it's got to be played, at least on some level, with a wink to the audience. But there's no sense of irony, or self-awareness in this film. It's all played for real, as if it's a fresh new experience for all, and not the same tired old cliché you've seen done hundreds of times before, and often much better. (One only has to go back to 2010's Burlesque to see these same tropes given a modern take that at least softens the blow.)
In fact, the only part of Rock of Ages that did work for me was Tom Cruise. It's obvious he was having fun with the role, and his scenes were, ultimately, the only ones that didn't leave me wanting to run screaming from the theater. (Meanwhile, having said that, I heard a comic on the radio the other day talking about how bad his performance was, and I realized that my enjoyment of the role could have stemmed less from the quality of the performance than from viewing it in light of its surroundings. In other words, as I described it to Dani, Cruise's performance could simply have been the floating turd in a cesspool of diarrhea.)
(Too harsh? Whatever.)
The only bright spot to this whole thing was that, when the lights came up, Dani immediately burst out with a "my GOD that was awful" moment, so I didn't have to try to fake enjoying the film. She now regrets not realizing what fun she'd have had making me squirm by talking about how great she thought it all was. I'm merely grateful it didn't occur to her in time to torment me.
First and foremost, the choreography. Which was, simply, staggeringly bad. Shockingly bad. So bad that when Catherine Zeta-Jones and the church ladies kicked off "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", I literally jerked back in my seat. (And yes, I literally mean literally.) So bad, I swore to myself I'd look up the choreographer so I'd know to avoid anything they do in the future, though it looks like I won't have to worry too much there, since the director (Adam Shankman) is listed as one of the choreographers (and now I know better then to ever see anything he's directed again) while the other choreographer is busy with seasons of So You Think You Can Dance, so I don't think I'll have much trouble avoiding either.
Next up was Alec Baldwin & Russel Brand's "relationship". When the music kicked in for their love ballad, I honestly thought it had to be a joke. Here's a clue to bad directors everywhere... if you're going to have 2 characters that have had no romantic connection at any previous moment in the film suddenly declare their love for one another, it helps if there's SOME semblance of chemistry between the two actors. You know... some sense that they might actually recognize one another if they saw each other across a crowded bar, or in any way could possibly share a physical connection of any sort. Baldwin and Brand displayed none of that, even during their love song, so the scene played out as arbitrarily as it sounds.
Speaking of chemistry, perhaps I shouldn't lay too much of the blame on Baldwin and Brand for their relationship, since none of the leads displayed more than an arbitrary connection either... whether it's Tom Cruise and Malin Ackerman in their awkward tongue-fests, or the two ingenues, who worked so hard to counter the fact that they had no connection whatsoever. (And what the hell was UP with those tongue-lashings? Was that supposed to be funny/sexy? 'Cause it failed on both counts and just looked awkward and kind of disturbing.)
And finally, the overall tone of the film. I've never seen the stage version, but I can see how Rock of Ages could be an entertaining night at the theater. There's a different type of suspension of disbelief required for stage then there is in movies, which are, after all, all about making things as real as they can possibly be. So when your corn-fed Midwesterner bursts into song in the middle of her cross-country bus ride, and the rest of the passengers join in, it's a moment you can embrace in a theater. That same thing happens in the first 30 seconds of your movie experience, it's almost impossible to stifle the laughter. Rock is filled with so many of these punishingly old-school "naive girl lost in the big, bad city" clichés that you know damn well it's got to be played, at least on some level, with a wink to the audience. But there's no sense of irony, or self-awareness in this film. It's all played for real, as if it's a fresh new experience for all, and not the same tired old cliché you've seen done hundreds of times before, and often much better. (One only has to go back to 2010's Burlesque to see these same tropes given a modern take that at least softens the blow.)
In fact, the only part of Rock of Ages that did work for me was Tom Cruise. It's obvious he was having fun with the role, and his scenes were, ultimately, the only ones that didn't leave me wanting to run screaming from the theater. (Meanwhile, having said that, I heard a comic on the radio the other day talking about how bad his performance was, and I realized that my enjoyment of the role could have stemmed less from the quality of the performance than from viewing it in light of its surroundings. In other words, as I described it to Dani, Cruise's performance could simply have been the floating turd in a cesspool of diarrhea.)
(Too harsh? Whatever.)
The only bright spot to this whole thing was that, when the lights came up, Dani immediately burst out with a "my GOD that was awful" moment, so I didn't have to try to fake enjoying the film. She now regrets not realizing what fun she'd have had making me squirm by talking about how great she thought it all was. I'm merely grateful it didn't occur to her in time to torment me.
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